Aug 24: 28 weeks. Fetus Froo Froo is the size of an eggplant.
Aug 25: I arrive in my hometown, Columbus, Ohio.
Aug 26: Pregligent adjective (ˈpreg-lə-jənt) A pregnant woman's failure to do the things that society and the internet tell her to do. (Eg. 1. Follow a registry check list. 2. Use a pencil to check that shit off. 3. Kegels. Kegels in the car, kegels in bed, kegels in line at the grocery, Kegels! Kegles! Kegels! ) 2. Doing the things the same forces tell her not to do. (Eg. 1. The consumption of "don't eats" such as hot dogs, goat cheese, brie, Subway club, spicy tuna rolls, fried eggs. 2. The leaving in of one's naval ring, and failure to apply proper sunscreen of surrounding skin. 3. Contact sports. 4. Clubbing.) Middle English, from Anglo-French & Latin pregnant, preggo, pregay; Anglo-French, from Latin neglegent-, neglegens, present participle of neglegere. First Known Use: Today. preg-ne-gent-ly adverb.
Aug 27: So, get this: I heard about an upcoming TV "docu-series" which intends to focus on a few couples and their babies' first years of life. All you have to do is submit a few photos, a few sentences about yourselves, and how far into your pregnancy you are. Sheffield is not enthusiastic about having cameras "shoved in your face with all that other shit we'll be dealing with," but I think we should at least get more information. Ten minutes after I submit to "Casting," "Casting" calls me. In the world of casting, as I know it, that never happens. Mostly, they don't ever call at all, but sometimes they do and it is so much later that I've forgotten I've submitted myself. But, "casting" liked my sentences and photos, and had some questions about Sheffield and me. After a significant chat, she asks, "do you have any questions?" Of course, I do:
ME: So, I'm assuming this not, like, reality TV where we are depicted like a couple of idiots...?
CASTING: Well, we are hoping to capture the ups and the downs...
ME: Okay, well, can you just give me some examples of other shows to which this show will compare? Just so I get a sense of tone?
CASTING: Mmm...no... I don't think anything like this has been done before...
Really? Really. Do you know how many TV channels exist these days? And how many programs each one hosts? We hang up and before I review this info with Sheffield, I google the company that put out the casting call.
Every one of their shows is a real Reality TV show. "Docu-series," "Non-scripted Television," "Reality TV." Call it what you want, but I am sure it will make an idiot out of me. Just as I am sure I will not fail to deliver substantial material by which to make their job a cinch.
Ultimately, they would not be able to hire two actors anyway (they want real people), and we would not be able to perform on TV without union contracts. Plus, as Sheffield and I agreed: "Everyone we know is going to be judging our parenting anyway, do we really want to open it up to strangers too?"
Aug 28: You can dress it up any way you want:
A-line, shift, trapeze, babydoll, tunic, maternity dress, you can show off the bump, or hide it all together. But, I'm here to tell ya, when the clothes come off, I am positively mammal. I could be a pregnant cow or gazelle or cat, all of us with four skinny limbs sticking out of a swollen baby-sac.
"Baby sac."
(Don't think you won't be hearing more of that phrase...)
Aug 29: Heartburn, a Tribute to Seuss:
Heartburn in the morning. Heartburn in the night.
Heartburn in the dark. Heartburn in the light.
Heartburn when in bed. Heartburn in a chair.
Heartburn in the car. Heartburn everywhere.
Heartburn goes with spice and wine.
I don't have either! I should be fine!
Heartburn means the babe has hair?
I do not know. I do not care.
I do not like it with a burp. I do not like it with a fart.
I do not like it, no I don't. I do not it the burn of heart.
Aug 30: Text to Sheffield:
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| I did not capture Sheffield's response: "I'm afraid I'll hike her." |
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